I’m an Anti-Porn Therapist…Here’s Why

By Staci Sprout, LICSW, CSAT

After a therapist colleague recently wrote about the importance of clinical neutrality when it comes to pornography, I felt inspired to share my very different view on the topic. I teach professionals best practices treating women with compulsive relationship and sexual behavior (popularly known as “sex and love addiction”), and have studied women and pornography/cybersex intensely the past few years as part of my class preparation. I’m also a public educator about the risks of porn use, particularly for children’s healthy sexual development. And four days most weeks, I’m a licensed therapist who sits with people of all genders struggling with intimacy and sexuality, supporting their transformation from trauma to triumph.

As I contemplated where I stood as a therapist on pornography, I felt it was essential to answer the following questions:

1) How do I define porn?

2) Has my experience with porn as I understand it had a mostly positive or mostly negative impact on me?

3) Do I use porn as part of my sexuality today?

If you want to join me in contemplation, or even weigh in with your own beliefs, I invite you to begin by answering these questions for yourself.

How Do I Define Porn?

Inspired by a ground-breaking new publication on sex addiction and my other gay male friends and advisors, I realized that the debate about porn is often heterosexist and biased toward monogamy, and needs to be expanded. I had one gay male client say that porn literally saved his life, when he was stuck in a sexually oppressive small town and began to realize his attraction to boys/men. He became suicidal, but finding gay porn showed him there was a larger world of men’s sexuality like his.

However, he was seeing me because he then became addicted to porn, traveled to a big city for anonymous sex, found it closer to home, and suffered some very painful consequences. YES, we need to end sexual oppression and hate, and provide diverse and positive sex/intimacy/self-love education, along with teaching about the risks of pornography. I need to learn more about what porn means to LGBTQ individuals for sure, and I thank you Dr. Michael Salas and all those who take the time to help teach us all. I also know that the essential validation and inclusion that porn can provide to sexual minority people doesn’t mean porn is not addictive for them, doesn’t contribute to their body image insecurities, self-objectification, escalation, etc. as it can for the majority culture.

I fear if I say I am anti-porn that might sound like I am anti-gay to some, but that’s not true. I am an ally to the best of my ability; I celebrate sexual diversity, and wish we all did!

I try to qualify my "anti-porn" stance for others who fear I must be brainwashed by toxic religion or some other form of free thought subjugation, or that I’m saying “I am anti-sex/sex-negative, anti-kink, I hate everyone who uses or has ever used porn and I hate sexuality in general and I hate men and gay men and anyone aroused by porn,” (NOT TRUE) by adding some qualifications:  

·      I am against non-consensual porn.

·      I am against porn that can be consumed by children (unless it positively educates/empowers them, but wait – is that even porn? And isn’t all porn bad for children?! Argh!). So I settle on this: I am against all porn that hurts children. That includes using children to make it.

·      I am anti-porn that disrespects, exploits, injures or abuses porn performers.

·      I am anti-porn that pairs sex with degradation and violence (but wait, does that make me anti-BDSM? Well…er…how about I look at it on a case-by-case basis?).

·      I am anti-porn that desensitizes and conditions viewers toward more extreme/harmful sex practices.

·      I am anti-porn that is racist, sexist, hateful, and kills romance and sexual innocence.

·      I am anti-porn that objectifies and reduces lesbian sexuality as existing solely for straight men’s viewing pleasure.

·      I am against deceptive/infidelity porn.

·      I am anti-porn that supports victims to reenact their trauma in any way, if they further victimize themselves in the process.

·      I am against porn that painfully overwhelms the mind-body, causes lasting harmful symptoms, and triggers compulsive/addictive consumption.

What am I missing?

A 2013 study that found positive outcomes for pornography (Sexually Explicit Media/SEM) use by men who have sex with men expands the discussion further. Yes, the world of porn is vast, and people’s experiences with it are varied, far more than mine. But when I try to define porn, I keep finding my understanding most informed by modern technological reality: it is instantly available on hand-held devices, and it is increasingly harsh, violent and degrading (perhaps particularly heterosexual porn?). Money, not eroticism, seems to drive an increasingly large portion of what porn has become.

My colleague called anti-porn activist Dr. Gail Dines “extreme” in her views. From my view it’s not Dr. Dines who is extreme, it’s the porn she has painstakingly studied, published about, and worked to educate the world about, especially parents. This IS the porn that today’s kids see. It’s terrifying. I think anyone interested in this topic should study her work, as well as that of Liz Walker, whose emerging voice on Critical Porn Analysis adds sorely needed depth to the “porn literacy” model of sex education.

Here’s an example of what Gail Dines teaches publicly, from a Guardian article called “The truth about the porn industry”: 

“I have found that the earlier [straight] men use porn,” says Dines, “the more likely they are to have trouble developing close, intimate relationships with real women. Some of these men prefer porn to sex with an actual human being. They are bewildered, even angry, when real women don’t want or enjoy porn sex.”

—Dr. Gail Dines

That does not sound extreme to me. It sounds like reality.

I am seeing this clinically – and it breaks my heart. What I am also seeing is young women who describe Tinder “dating” where they experience what I know is violent sexual assault but they don’t realize it – and perhaps their young male rapists didn’t either, because everybody’s just doing what they saw normalized in porn! Yet these women are traumatized, and don’t realize that, either. Their sexualities are socialized by porn and the effect is mostly negative. I talk about this in my online classes as “Sexual Liberation Gaslighting.”

I define Sexual Liberation Gaslighting of girls and women as tricking or manipulating them into thinking that in order to be sexually free and mature, they must sexually exploit themselves in a way defined from the outside, from someone else with motives like hatred, greed and degradation. It can happen to people from all genders.

Sexual Liberation Gaslighting of girls and women is tricking or manipulating them into thinking that in order to be sexually free and mature, they must sexually exploit themselves in a way defined from the outside, from someone else with motives like hatred, greed and degradation.

 Here are 5 Core Beliefs of Sexual Liberation Gaslighting:

1.              My “sexuality” is my most powerful/valuable asset.

2.              My “sexuality” is defined by others (media, celebrity culture, the sex industry, and porn-influenced boys/men, girls/women) - and I must accept this without question in order to be cool.

3.              To be a desirable, empowered woman, I must look like a porn performer, send/receive nude photos, want “rough sex,” and not complain if my body hurts.

4.              Women have “I don’t give a shit sex” (aka hookups), and like it.

5.              Liberated women don’t want/need vulnerability/intimacy/commitment.

By being aware of these and other powerful sexual scripts projected onto girls and women today by popular culture, helping professionals can better assess if they have internalized these beliefs, and invite them to evaluate and make choices about what’s authentically true for them, and what isn’t. I admit I am still doing this work in my own life, and contemplating all this helped me clarify a few cobwebs in the corners of my own mistaken beliefs…it’s a process, not a destination, I think.

 For today, here is my definition of pornography: 

I define pornography as media that portrays graphic sex to evoke instant and intense arousal, absent of authentic love.

I also define porn by what I see it doing on a broader social scale: I am seeing the effects of porn socially, via stories from hospital ER’s of alarmingly increasing violent sexual assaults on children by children, aka porn copycat assaults, younger and younger “perpetrators” and “victims” (they are all victims). Stories of a market for child porn growing exponentially, fueled in part by porn desensitization and conditioning, contributing to more child abuse "supply." Stories of brutality in the "industry" that are hushed up, and of course the atrocity of human trafficking aka sexual enslavement. All this deeply disturbs me!

My bottom line? I am against porn that causes trauma and/or compulsivity in those who make it, perform in it, distribute it, receive/consume it, and society as a whole. Especially children.

Has my experience with porn as I understand it had a mostly positive or mostly negative impact on me?

My own sexual development was devastated by pornography (along with other forms of sexual abuse). It was a form of sexual infidelity in my home by my father, probably contributed to my dad's sexualizing me, and I reenacted all that in my relationships; I did impulsive, risky things because of porn’s influence, and I became addicted to it. And from a survey I did of other mental health professional women, my story is not as unique as I once thought. 

A Study of Women Helping Professionals and Sexually Explicit Media

Last year I conducted a research project called “Sexually Explicit Media and Women Helping Professionals Survey” to explore questions about porn, including age of first exposure, whether the exposure was accidental, introduced by another person, or the result of a deliberate search, and how women felt about it. I learned that the most common age of first exposure was ten years old, it was mostly accidental (70%), and it was often described as dad’s Playboy magazine. The youngest age of exposure was 4 years old, and that was decades before the creation of the Internet or hand-held devices!

[In my study of female helping professionals and sexually explicit media], the most common age of first exposure was ten years old, it was mostly accidental (70%), and it was often described as dad’s Playboy magazine. The youngest age of exposure was 4 years old, and that was decades before the creation of the Internet or hand-held devices!

Respondents had mixed reports of how they were impacted by this exposure, and here are some of the comments received: 

Positive or Neutral:

•       I found the material to be exciting. The hidden secret.

•       At that time there was no internet and my first experience was so mild I can’t even remember it. I am thinking it might have been a Playboy mag or something. It wasn’t something that was high on anyone’s agenda and there was no material available.

Mixed Positive and Negative:

•       I was excited about breaking the rules, but confused about what I was actually seeing.

•       I felt a sensation that I now know was sexual arousal, but I also felt fear and shame that I had done something wrong.

•       I was shocked and upset my dad had Playboy, wondered why, but also found the pictures exciting mainly because I knew I wasn't supposed to be looking at them.

•       I felt grown up for reading it (and I knew about sex from more age-appropriate content) but in hindsight, some of the sex in the book wasn't consensual and that wasn't the best way to encounter it first.

•       It became a secret and a way to fantasize and self-soothe that was for me only. I felt empowered in it as a child. As I got older and sex became an actual thing I engaged in, I lost the power in sex as I became the objectified party that I now realized was being mirrored to me through these pornographic magazines and movies.

Negative and Traumatic:

•       I didn't think it was a good thing…I didn't understand the purpose of having it, or why he [father] would need it, and I wondered what my mother thought about it. It just brought up a lot of questions, which I didn't feel comfortable asking either of them.

•       As a child, I found a Playboy magazine. I felt as though I had done something wrong by looking through it.

•       I remember feeling so scared to tell anyone. I did share it with my younger sister and we had no idea what to do with it. I remember feeling so trapped, alone and a lot of shame.

•       Turned on by violent sexual stories at young age creating /starting unhealthy sexual template.

•       I was flooded with guilt for watching it - being raised in a Christian home, I knew my parents would be horrified, and, it didn’t look appealing to me - not what I imagined sex would be like. I didn’t want what was happening on screen to happen to me.

•       I was shocked when I first saw a Playgirl fold out. [Seeing a] bare penis caused me to scream out.

In this study, 34% of female helping professionals endorsed deliberately use sexually explicit media today, and 18% endorsed “using it in a problematic way at some point.” 14% said they had sought help for problem porn use.

If you are struggling with problematic porn use, you can find help on my website at http://www.stacisprout.com/ under the “Resources for Recovery” tab. To see all these survey slides, go to http://www.stacisprout.com/sexually-explicit-media-and-women-helping-professionals-survey/.

Do I use porn as part of my sexuality today?

I also sought and found help for problematic porn use, and it was extreme – I became addicted. I published this story in 2015, called Naked in Public: A Memoir of Recovery from Sex Addiction and Other Temporary Insanities. I’m grateful to say I don’t use porn now. I no longer want to – it’s not a struggle. I married a man who chooses not to use porn, and I avoid people who use porn in my personal life, if I know about it. I do my best not to condemn anyone for the choices they make, but I’m still anti-porn.

What do I do if my clients are using porn?

I treat my clients based on what they present with, using a form of motivational interviewing I call empowerment therapy. I don’t set a porn-free agenda with my clients, though most of them know about my anti-pornography convictions outside the therapy office – many of them came to see me because of my memoir or public education efforts. But I am a separate person from my clients; we can have different views and still respect each other.

I think as a woman often treating women’s trauma and grief, my attitudes about porn may be different than many men who are not painfully sensitized to the trauma that pornography can cause girls and women.

What I say as a clinician in media interviews about women and porn use: 

“I do feel concerned about pornography because of the negative effects I see on women who use it. This includes teaching/normalizing unsatisfying, unsafe sex, damage to their identity, conflating sex with rape, more sexualizing of strangers, risky sexual behaviors, decreased intimacy with their partners, porn-conditioning to more extreme sexual acts, and more violent, abusive fantasies including damaging perpetration of themselves and others, and porn addiction.

Research shows us that women who compulsively use cybersex (including porn) have more severe depression and withdrawal symptoms when they try to stop using it. This group also reports relying on abusive pornography or fantasies more to feel aroused than other women. And here is a surprising finding of the study: exposure to pornography as a child was a stronger predictor of hypersexual behavior than contact sexual abuse as a child!”

Should therapists be neutral about porn?

In closing, I want to comment about the issue of our neutrality and pornography. I think it is rare to find someone truly neutral about porn. What is probably true of most people who say they are neutral is they are choosing not to disclose their real feelings, and that’s OK. I know it is vulnerable to do so. I think it's harder to take a stand. It has subjected me to public harassment, defamation, and bullying, as it has for many of us. In fact, I'm currently supporting a young man and his porn addiction recovery org, NoFap, who have been under terrible attacks, to raise money to defend themselves legally, and this has subjected me to even more backlash. But it is worth it! [More info on this at https://nofap.com/defend-alex/. Please check out this worthy campaign and help if you can!]

On professional neutrality, I remain highly influenced by the trauma pioneer Judith Herman, MD, author of Trauma and Recovery. She says,

“Neutral means that the therapist does not take sides in the patient’s inner conflicts or try to direct the patient’s life decisions. Constantly reminding herself that the patient is in charge of her own life, the therapist refrains from advancing a personal agenda.”

And yet, Herman adds, there are times we should not be neutral, particularly in matters of morality, or right and wrong: 

“The technical neutrality of the therapist is not the same as moral neutrality. Working with victimized people requires a committed moral stance. The therapist is called upon to bear witness to a crime. She must affirm a position of solidarity with the victim.”

 I do bear witness to the pain from covert sexual abuse and gender-based violence so often advanced by pornography, and its reduction of the sacred into the increasingly profane. I envision a future when more clinicians and organizations will also publicly do so.